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Articles by Partners
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The following articles have been reproduced with the kind permission of Rose's Repartee Magazine and Rose's Forum, which has a growing membership of real-girls, the genetic female partners, friends, and in some cases daughters of, the T-girls members. As the following contributions demonstrate, all of us are at different places and levels of acceptance and coping, but we all have one thing in common; that we all support the rights, and freedoms of the trans-community and the girls we are involved with individually.
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Sue's story
Sue has known for a short time about Rachel
I first met Rachel, or rather the man behind her, whilst I was on holiday with friends. We used to write and phone several times each week, meeting up at weekends. After four years we married; our sex life was pretty good to start with and we had two children. However it seemed familiarity bred complacency and after twenty years of marriage we had settled for once a month.
That was the case until September last year. I thought my world had crashed when I discovered an email confirming an order for a wig. My husband dismissed the email but I found the wig together with a large plastic bag, the contents of which I dare not examine. I thought he must be having an affair but when I confronted him, again he dismissed it. When I produced the evidence, close to tears, he told me that the wig was his and the bag contained female clothing. I asked all the usual questions. Was he gay? Why did he need to cross-dress? Was he going to be a woman? He explained that this was something that he had had to live with all of his life. He had been discovered aged four or five dressed in his older sister's clothes, but not punished for it. For years after, his sister would dress him as a girl when their parents were at work. Once his sister, four years his senior, started work, he was left alone continuing to dress in secret. He admitted that it was something he had always done even after we were married.
'She' says that she will never go the 'whole way' and is just a transvestite, which is something that I feel I can live with though it's been a steep learning curve. It was a relief to know that the 'other woman' was someone that I already knew, my husband! Life is different now, we have grown much closer and the sexual side of our relationship has never been better, although his femme side doesn't come to bed often. I now have a new best friend called Rachel.
Sue RG - Roses Forum.
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Gail's story
Gail has only recently found out that her husband is TG
To find out/be told after many years that your partner is a closet TG is a huge shock. At one level nothing has changed … you are still living the same life with each other and the TG partner is still the same person you knew before. On another level though, everything has changed. The lies and deceit and time and money spent away from the family are hurtful. You also have to confront issues to do with TGism and your own identity that you may never have had to think about before. These may be easy to understand on an intellectual level, but more difficult to deal with on an emotional one.
A lot of support and reassurance is needed at this time, especially from your TG partner. Unfortunately this may not be forthcoming. The TG partner may well feel such relief at not having to live a secret life anymore, that although they are more relaxed and easier to live with in some ways, they forget that to a large extent they have just dumped all their problems on you … especially the burden of secrecy. This may be very isolating as it gets increasingly difficult to make up excuses to other family members who are not aware of the situation.
A TG partner needs to remember this and try not to be too self-focused and forget that for you it is all new territory. In some ways the TG aspect is easier to cope with than some of the self-focused behaviour that goes with it. It is often the lack of support by a TG partner, after the revelation of TGism, that spells doom for a relationship, rather than the TG issues themselves.
Gail - Roses Forum
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Sandra's story
Sandra has known for a number of years about Nigella.
When I first found out that my husband was a TV, I was really shocked. My first thought was to wonder if he was gay but was reassured that was not the case. I was confused and thought it was a joke, but 17 years on it has become part of my life. I felt very alone at first, as I didn't have anyone to talk to and thought I was the only one. But now I know that there are plenty of RGs out there willing to help and give advice if possible. Living with a TV isn't easy, emotions and mood swings play a big part especially if they cannot dress regularly. On the other hand I find my husband more sensitive and caring and he is even more helpful around the house too! I won't say living with a TV has been all plain-sailing but having someone to talk to and share feelings and thoughts has helped a lot.
Sandra Fussy Cat - Roses forum.
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Debs Story
Debs has known about Louise from the start of the relationship
I was not unfamiliar with transgender issues as my former partner was transsexual. When I met Louise in 2003, she was in femme mode, so I was lucky that her transgender was not a revelation half-way through the relationship. I was instantly attracted to her and found we had so much in common.
Shortly before we got engaged, I knew Louise was going to live full-time in femme mode and I knew she wanted breast implants. I had fallen so much in love with her that I was thankful that she had not kept anything from me and I asked her to marry me. I fully embrace and accept everything about Louise; I can't believe how lucky I am to have this wonderful and beautiful person in my life!
But there are times when it can be stressful living with a transgender person watching the pain they go through as society rejects them for who they are and the traumatic struggles to be accepted by even their own families and friends. As Louise's partner, nothing hurts more than to see her so sad about rejection and misunderstanding. However I would not swap my life with Louise for anything else in this world.
Debs purple glow spider - Roses Forum.
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. ©2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Amy's story
Amy found out some time into a relationship that her partner Matt was Transsexual.
I had lived with Matt for a number of years when he told me that he liked cross-dressing and wanted to do it more. I was pretty cool with that, even when he started wearing 'fake' breasts and I used to buy him make-up, clothes etc.
Then one-day Matt told me that he felt he should have always had breasts and was not comfortable in his male gender. I was worried and asked him directly whether he wanted to have a sex-change. Matt said that he did not know and we agreed he needed to see a counsellor. After a few sessions he told me, "I'm a transsexual and I think I've known this for years - I'm sorry." I was absolutely devastated, crying and begging him on my knees (literally) not to do this as I wanted to believe that he did not have to transition. Matt began to see Dr Reid, took hormones and became Elizabeth full-time.
How do I describe the process of transition for a partner? When the person you are with tells you that 'he' is dying? I felt crushed and my whole world just fell apart. I was desperately hoping that Matt would be cured; the persona of Elizabeth was, in my opinion, the 'cancer' that was killing my boyfriend, and for a long time I prayed for her to, "please go away and let me have Matt back."
I realize in retrospect that whilst it was so hard for me to bear, it was not an easy time for Matt either; and I had greeted his revelation only with my own personal hurts and frustrations.
Partners of transsexuals have a lot to deal with! You have to realize that this is an integral part of the person you love, then either learn to love them for whom they really are, or let go. I loved Matt and wanted him to be true to himself but in all fairness to Elizabeth we decided to break up. Since then, I have grown, and now I am happy with a new partner - another trans-girl - and Elizabeth is on the way to surgery this year and happy with her new partner too.
Amy - Roses Forum
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Sophie's Story
Sophie has known about Deena from the start of the relationship
I first saw Deena when I was 19. I was instantly attracted but as I was in a relationship with another TV at the time, we just became friends. I still always had a soft spot for her and last year when I split up with my partner, I started seeing Deena more often. Last June we were both staying at a friend's house for a couple of days and we just really hit it off!
We decided we both had quite strong feelings for each other and that we were going to take our friendship up a step (nothing too serious though!) Well, that was it! Seven months on we are very much in love and talking about me moving up to Leeds later this year so we can be together properly. I've never lived away from home before so I'm very excited; I love Deena and need to be with her, and just want her to know that.
All my family and friends have been really brilliant about me having a TG partner; my eight-year-old sister thinks it's great and goes around telling people, "my sister's boyfriend dresses as a lady", bless her! I think its fantastic having a TG partner, they understand women a lot more because they have a feminine side, and I've never been so happy.
Sophster - Roses Forum
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Tina's story
Tina found out about Kate several years into their marriage
I have been with my other half for 17 years and we've been happily married for the last 13 and have two children. I was unaware of Kate's T-side and, to a point, so was she. There was the occasional party where she'd dressed as a girl, along with the lads for fun, yet she'd taken it more seriously than the others.
Without realizing it, I guess I've always been accepting to TGs. There was a bi-curious side to me which she didn't know about and I'd hoped would 'go away'. It didn't. I told her two years ago and she took it far better than I'd imagined. We went on holiday soon after that, chilled out and talked about my feelings. On the last night of the holiday my other half came out of the bathroom, dressed in my top and denim skirt, feeling a little sheepish. "I'll be your girlfriend." she said. It was meant to be a joke but somehow I felt content to hold hands and kiss her and we realized it just might work for us.
Kate doesn't dress much at home because we worry about her being seen. But we have both had some great girls' nights and days out and occasionally she's able to go out to clubs with others without our children knowing. It isn't as often as she'd like because it would be too costly to book an hotel each time and sometimes I feel she needs to be here, helping the children with their homework etc.
I know our marriage would seem strange to the average person, yet it suits us well because I have never been entirely comfortable with the opposite sex (for personal reasons); yet have always felt comfortable with Kate. I just didn't realize why!
Tina Angelic - Roses Forum
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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Sandi's story
Sandi has known about her husband Tracy from quite early on in their relationship
Twenty-two years ago, my boyfriend told me about his 'alter ego', after a very enjoyable party when he allowed me to dress him up in drag as Shirley Bassey.
When I first found out about Tracy, I didn't know what a TV or CD was, I didn't even know that some guys enjoyed dressing as a females. I asked all the usual questions, (are you gay, do you still love me and do you want to change sex in the future?). S/he reassured me that he was a regular guy, who just enjoyed expressing his feminine side by dressing as a woman. Although it was confusing for me, I knew that I loved him and that was all that mattered, though it was seven years before I felt that I could handle meeting Tracy. Then we never looked back! It took a further year or so, and we started to go out to some clubs etc in Sheffield. We had a great time and over the last couple of years we have met some wonderful friends, through Rose's and the Nottingham Chameleon Group.
We both know that without this 'softer' side my lovely hubby is incomplete and a very unhappy person. Yes it does take time to work through things, but with patience and love on both sides, it is worth the effort. My hubby is my soul-mate, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Sandi - Roses Forum
Published in Rose's Repartee Magazine No 49, Summer 2005. © 2005 Rose's Repartee Magazine |
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