A Wife's Perspective

After two years of marriage you've just found out your husband is a transvestite - what the hell do you do now?

At 22 years of age I was an 'innocent', naive to the point where I thought sex meant the missionary position and I didn't understand anything about transvestism, gay relationships and sexual diversity, so as you can imagine my partners 'confession' came as quite a bombshell. I didn't know who to turn to, felt disgusted and ashamed and extremely lonely. Since then, and having been made to watch over the years, chat shows on the subject, and read any articles that could be found it seems the tide is changing and many wives will now readily accept their husbands wish to fulfil their need to dress and act as a woman. But for every willing wife there will be one that is shocked, scared and alone. 26 years on I hope my experiences and insight can help other couples that may find themselves in a similar situation.

Firstly, lets try and explode some of the myths by defining common terms in use today.

Transvestite
taken from the Latin tran across, over and vester to dress or wear, was coined in the early 1900's by Magnus Hirschfeld to describe people who habitually and voluntarily wore clothes of the opposite sex. Unfortunately he included in this group homosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals thus causing confusion in interpretation. It is estimated that only about 10% of the transvestite population are gay/bisexual, the other 90% being heterosexual; interestingly these figures correlate with similar findings across the general population, i.e. only 10% of the general population are gay/bisexual. Most transvestites will only have sex, or fantasize about sex with a woman. They are, for the most part, happy with the role of husband and father and enjoy being men, seldom want to live as a woman or to become a woman, but simply want to be like a woman. A more modern, and accurate euphemism is Cross-dressing, which means to wear clothes of the opposite sex. For many transvestites cross-dressing helps them to express the feminine side of their personality and the need to cross-dress is an integral part of their psychological self; they would see life without the ability to fulfil their need as a tragedy.

Transsexual
introduced in the 1960's by Dr. Harry Benjamin. In 1966 Dr. Benjamin published 'The Transsexual Phenomenon' outlining among other things the differences between transsexuals and transvestites. Dr. Benjamin's work paved the way forward for the future making it easier for thousands of transsexuals to obtain treatment. The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association still sets the standards for treatment. A transsexual feels strongly that they have been born in the wrong body and feel that the body they have doesn't belong to them. Coupled with this they may have a sense of hatred towards those parts that identify their gender. They are aware from a very early age of the conflict between mind and body and this can cause untold suffering until corrected by treatment and surgery.

We can now see that a transvestite is some one who dresses up as the opposite sex (cross-dressing) and is not gay, unless he is also homosexual; the two do not go hand in hand. A transvestite has a deep-seated need to the wear clothing, act and feel like the other sex. It is still unknown whether this is genetic, psychological or a learned behaviour, but ask most transvestites and they will tell you that they have felt this way for as long as they can remember and that no matter how hard they try and fight it, the feelings always come back and never go away.

In other words, don't try to change them because in the long term you will fail.
Although a transsexual does participate in cross-dressing this is part of their transition from one gender, through treatment and surgery to another. The term transsexual is not gender specific, there is almost an equal division between male-to-female and female-to-male cases.

Because of the widespread confusion in the translation of the above terms it takes great courage for someone to admit to being a transvestite. The word in itself conjures up laughable cartoons in most people's minds and assumptions of homosexuality. When my partner took his courage in his hands and admitted his true feelings I had exactly that reaction, and due to ignorance disappeared into a world of shame, guilt and fear for the future. So how did we get through it?

The strongest advice I can give is for both partners to be totally honest with each other. In hindsight I may not have got married if I had known before, but at least I would have had the choice and it may have spared both of us of years of playing ping-pong with each other's emotions. It is equally important for the wife to be totally honest about her feelings, even if these are initially shock and revulsion. As a couple you have to know where the starting line is and for some it will be an extremely steep learning curve to the finish line; not all of you will succeed in reaching the top. I was not amused to find that my partner had been enjoying the company of my clothes whilst I was at work. One of the first questions I asked him was whether he was gay, he of course said no, and although he never gave me cause to believe he was, because I didn't know any better this question worried me at regular intervals throughout our marriage.

Once you have been totally honest with each other you can decide whether you think you have a future together. For some there will be total acceptance and your lives will carry on as before with a few lifestyle changes. This is the ideal world and wonderful if it happens, it opens up a whole new range of activities and introduces a new 'friend' into the relationship. For others it will see the end of their relationship, but hey, if one of you has a problem with the situation then it will probably never work anyway. Like anything else you do in relationships, if both parties are consensual and happy then go for it, otherwise forget it because that means it you are probably wasting your time and one of you is hurting. For my part I wasn't totally honest with my partner. Because I was ignorant of the facts, and because I thought it might be a passing fancy I went along for the ride thinking it would 'go away'. Over the years I went through varying emotions from pity, because he couldn't help himself; acceptance that this was just a small part him and I couldn't change it; guilt, and loathing because I didn't feel he was the 'man' I had married. In recent years society has relaxed its attitude to sexual practices and leanings and with the advent of the Internet it is far easier to gain understanding or even find groups who can help. Unfortunately 26 years ago this sort of information was not so readily available. There are organisations out there nowadays who can help you learn together how to adjust to your new relationship and hopefully make it work for you. Support is the key word here, believe me you need it. The Beaumont Society, who have been around since the 1960's were unknown to us. If we had been more courageous and looked for help this Society would, I feel, have made a great difference to our lives. It may not have altered the outcome, but there wouldn't have been so much soul searching, so many tears and so much anger and loathing between us, all born out of ignorance.

The worst is behind you now, you have faced the truth, gained some support and have to look at the practicalities, and hopefully the advice that follows will help.

Clothes and makeup
Have your own clothes, your own wardrobes and your own make-up drawers. Your clothes are your identity and by wearing my clothes I felt my partner was stealing my identity. You may quickly come to resent your partner if he continues to wear, tear and get make-up over your favourite tops, you probably won't have the same taste in clothes anyway. This new person in your relationship should be allowed to establish her own identity and dress code, and be prepared to give lessons on dress sense, it may be necessary. Another consideration is that if you work out of the same wardrobe you will start to wonder why he is buying you that nice new dress is it for you, or for him. This will, I assure you, cause resentment and ill feeling. He may be trying to spoil you but you will never be sure. He/she will undoubtedly use more make-up, particularly foundation and pan sticks to cover his beard. There is nothing more frustrating than getting ready to go out and discovering you have no foundation left. Again, be prepared to give lessons on applying make-up. Frustratingly I found my partner could apply make-up quicker and better than I could! We spent many hours scouring charity shops and whilst I held up dresses, supposedly admiring them, he would stand behind so we could get an idea if they would fit. He was hardly about to go into the booth and try it on was he? It also added a new dimension to buying him a special present. Men are notoriously hard to buy for, but I always knew I could buy him a new dress, or make-up! You may find this strange, but it's true.

Identity
This new person in your relationship should be given an identity. Your partner may already have decided on a name but it is helpful if you can agree on one that you both can live with. The easiest way to do this is for him to 'dress' and then jointly decide on a name that suits. The person your partner becomes when 'dressed' is different, 'she' will have different mannerisms, 'her' voice tone may change and 'she' may even have different views than your partner. It is scary, but essentially your 'man' will suddenly become very effeminate. At the end of the day, it's not just about wearing the clothes; it's about feeling and acting like a woman. Don't worry though, all changes back to normal when the clothes and make-up come off. Most of all you need to give each other time to get to know, and accept the new person in your relationship and be understanding when one, or the other of you don't want that person around for a while.

Sex
This is a choice you will have to make as a couple. My partner didn't want sex when he was 'dressed', that's not what it was all about. Cross-dressing and sexual activity are not directly related unless you go into the realms of transvestic fetishism which is a sexual diversion and not related to the true transvestite. On occasion he would approach me for a kiss, which I couldn't bring myself to do, but again this is down to personal choice. For me this 'other person' was not my partner and I didn't want to kiss her.

Going out
When you've finally sorted all that out you will find yourselves with time on your hands, time to be together in your new relationship without interruption. What about going out together? My partner would have loved to do this, but this was something I could not bring myself to do. There are, however, many couples that regularly go for a 'girly' night out and are more than happy to do so. Good luck to them, if you can get to this stage you have probably cracked it, but if you don't, or can't, don't feel guilty. You should never do, or be pushed into something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Do you tell the Children?
Again this is down to personal choice but it must be a joint decision and the needs of the child should be paramount, timing is all-important. It is true that children nowadays are brought up in a wide variety of relationships and are generally more accepting than adults, but you have to be able to justify your reasons for telling them. If told early in their childhood children will probably accept cross-dressing as "no big deal" and it will help prepare them to deal with the diversity of modern society. However, once they reach puberty they are struggling with their own sexual identities and it may only serve to confuse them further. They may not have the maturity to understand the complexities involved and so it is probably best left until they have reached adulthood. Remember that most boys' hero-worship their father and girls see him as their knight in shining armour. Both images may be severely dented if they suddenly saw their father in a dress and acting like a woman. For as long as I can remember we hid this from the children, imagine my horror when one day my little girl came home from school and asked "have you got mascara on Daddy?" He hadn't made a very good job of cleaning up!

After that I was totally paranoid about the kids finding out, I couldn't imagine how they would understand and could just imagine other kids goading them at school. My partner wanted to tell, as they got older he decided that this was something he wanted to share with them but I stuck to my guns and wouldn't let him - a decision that others may disagree with, but I did what I felt was right for them at a time when they were just discovering their own bodies and own sexuality. They do know now, but only because they asked. Two years after I had left their father they asked one day and I laughed it off saying they should 'ask their father'. The next time they asked me I decided that they were old enough, they were both in their late teens so I told them. Not maliciously, I answered their questions and explained what it was all about, and guess what, they didn't flinch, they took it on board like adults, we laugh and joke about it now and they still have a good relationship with their father. Why did they ask? Who knows, they must have had an idea, kids are after all, more perceptive than you think. I still believe that the decision not to tell them until they were a lot older was the right one; they appreciated the honesty at a time in their lives when they had grown up enough to see the big picture.

Coming out
One of our biggest fears was being found out. Apart from the embarrassment and shame of friends and family knowing it seemed inevitable that should his employers find out this would surely put an end to his career prospects. It does seem, in this day and age, that more and more transvestites are coming out. I have, in the last couple of years come across at least two at work. The tide is turning, legislation has been put in place to ensure that the 'transgender' community have the same rights as everybody else, employers also are becoming more accepting. There is a long way to go, twenty years ago it would have been almost impossible to tell anyone you were gay, now it's not so difficult and is widely accepted. With the likes of Eddie Izzard (who I adore) fighting the cause it is only a matter of time before transvestites are accepted for what they are and not ridiculed.

Perhaps it is here we should mention transphobia, a reaction of fear, loathing and discriminatory treatment of people whose gender identity or gender presentation (or perceived gender or gender identity) does not match, in the socially accepted way, the sex they were assigned at birth. It is commonly believed that our biology is our destiny, transgendered people are confused, if not mentally ill, transsexuals are frauds, intersexuals (pre-surgery) are freaks of nature and that a transgendered woman is really a gay man who cannot come to terms with 'his' same sex desires. These beliefs will not change overnight, but it is happening, slowly. These are all things you are probably already scared of, and may encounter if you decide to come out, yet another reason for having the support of a society or group around you.

In conclusion
In all honesty and cannot say that my partners transvestism led to our divorce, but it didn't help. We spent twenty plus years tussling with the situation, our marriage clouded by periods of great loneliness and deep seated unhappiness on both sides, he with his frustration in trying to get me to understand his plight, building up his wardrobe then throwing it all away again to try and be 'normal'; me, I was scared, I tried so hard to understand him, to be sympathetic, but could never quite get over my initial revulsion. We needed help, it was out there but we just didn't know where it was, and even if we had known we were too scared to ask.

Would I do it all again, probably not, I would walk away but for those of you who are willing to give it a go, to support your partners, and those of you who are fighting with the need to tell their loved ones help can be found at The Beaumont Society. Founded in 1966 and dedicated to the special needs of those who feel the desire, or compulsion, to express a feminine side to their personality by dressing, or living, as "women". The Society is an organisation run for, and by, people who like to wear the clothes of the opposite gender and people who may be transsexual. Support is given to help develop self-acceptance, peace of mind and understanding and can help in gaining acceptance by partners, relatives and friends.

Partners , family, friends can be members of the Beaumont Society

© 2006 The Beaumont Society